Tell Me How To Live
by Inoree
Summary: Hinata is a quiet, beautiful college girl who hardly speaks on the outside, but a hardened and depressed girl with many burdens on her shoulders. [ AU, very OOC, Hinata-centric ]
1. Chapter 1

This isn't going to be regular Hinata. Also this is going to be drama filled. If you don't like this, move on, but this is my disclaimer.

**Prologue  
><strong>1/13/2015**  
><strong>Summary: _Hinata introduces herself briefly._

* * *

><p>There was no poetic beginning to my troubles, no mother concerned about my mental health over my excessive book reading. I only realized the amount of trouble I was in once the water had come to a boil, and I was burning in it.<p>

I was always an independent nerd type, and I always felt better than my peers. I have an ego trip you see, and it kills me now because no one, not even myself can stand my heavy judgment. Ironically enough though, I'm both self-obsessed in a positive and negative way. When I'm interacting at school, I think everyone is better than me and I feel so out of place. When I'm alone with my mind, I feel so rude and critical in my thoughts about others that I am ashamed. And I have the audacity to criticize others but also hate myself for not living up to my unrealistic standards.

I am obsessed with a perfection that I cannot achieve, and so hung up on things I can never do.

My family has done a pretty damn good job at taking things I could like and destroying my emotions towards it.

At eleven before I could even figure out my sexuality, my mom shamed the idea of being gay. And yeah, I was nine when I had my first crush on a girl, and she was so sweet and older and I never saw her again after a week of basketball summer camp. It was a cute, sweet crush and a lot of it was maybe admiration. I had a second, a friend's older sister, also hidden and secret because I would never be able to be in love with a girl. I "grew out of it" or perhaps just shunned the idea from existence.

Wanted to be an artist, but it wouldn't have been enough money to impress my parents.

Wanted to find love, but I can't seem to unconditionally be with someone.

I crave that feeling of love and happiness, crave it so hard. Crave the innocence that I once had and the optimism I no longer have. No one notices it because I was always shy and never had close friends, but I died inside a long time ago.

I have bounced through many boyfriends, all been terrible matches.

Shino was my first boyfriend. He was quiet, he was subtly sweet and he was so very weird. He was very good looking, although he had taken a liking to wearing clothing that hid his appearance because of his obsession with carrying bugs. As I said, very weird. I hated dating him, but I wanted him so badly that I followed him around like a fool and let him treat me as terribly as he wanted. He was my first boyfriend and I foolishly put all my effort into a relationship that had no hope. He was a grade above me, and when he went off to college he told me we would make it work, but we ended up breaking up a week later.

Then there was Sasuke. Dating him was having espresso for the first time, he was so bitter and off putting but I found myself always coming back to him. He was my first true love and my first real taste of betrayal. When I went to college, he lost interest in me. I tried to make it work, but I was only killing myself by pretending something was still there to fix.

Kiba was another mistake. He was such a sweet boy but we had nothing in common. I was depressed severely the whole time we were together due to my grades, family, and how hung up I was still over Sasuke, and it turned abusive on both ends. What I needed was to be alone, but I met an amazing both shortly after Kiba and I broke up and he was almost too good to be true.

When this boy asked me out, the only answer I had was yes, because I was afraid that if I told him to wait for me to be ready, he would leave. His name is Naruto.

Naruto…this boy embodies everything I probably would have wanted for my first boyfriend, and if he had been my first boyfriend, he probably would have been my last. He is tall, gorgeous, and social enough. He comes from a loving family, with a father who looks like him and a mother who is strikingly beautiful. He wasn't too enthusiastic about me at first, but I am now his number one priority. But the opposite has happened to me. I liked him a lot at first, and while I love him now, it's a different kind of love. He jokes about marriage, and we've been dating for almost a year, but I'm twenty and afraid of it.

He's overbearing and taught me what having commitment issues feels like.

I haven't mentioned much else about my family, but the situation is terrible. I'm sure I'll cave and talk about it soon, but for now I want to save some dignity. I also don't want to talk about some other aspects, but I'm sure I'll bring it up sooner or later. I do crave the idea of spilling my secrets.

At this point, I want to be alone. But I can't face the mere thought of being alone, it kills me inside. I just really want to be understood and accepted and feel alright inside. I want to love Naruto entirely, and marry him and have beautiful children that I can be proud of.

Most of all, I just want to be good enough for myself.


	2. Chapter 2

Hinata will be OOC. Why? She's a person. She will not be a perfect anime girl. She will go through many things real people deal with. She's not gonna always be a good person, either.

Also, I don't like writing in first person but I'm trying it for this story, so bear with it. Pls.

Chapter One  
>116/2015  
>Summary: Hinata sleeps in the day before Spring semester starts.<p>

* * *

><p>The blare of the alarm brought me to consciousness, although not all at once. I felt terrible, eyes swollen and my head throbbing but that's what happens when you get two hours of sleep after a long day.<p>

I severely considered just lying there, trying my best to sleep through the alarm. After all, the bed was so warm and comfy and I felt the dried puddle of drool from being so exhausted that I didn't even close my mouth for two hours.

Big mistake.

I woke up about eight hours later, feeling refreshed but gross and a little sweaty. Glancing at the screen of my alarm clock, I felt dread. It was 3 pm, and I was planning on taking the direct train with Naruto back to school. We both lived in Konoha County, although in different towns. I knew in my mind I had missed the last train, but I couldn't avoid the inevitable.

Reluctantly, I turned to my nightstand, picking up my cracked phone. It was half charged, because the phone was old and buggy, and didn't charge properly. I picked it up, unlocking it with my password and then immediately clicked he messages icon. The notifications began to pop up, and I sighed. The phone was so old it lagged a bit, before catching up.

I groaned as I skimmed the texts. Naruto left a bunch of messages, going from optimistic and happy to slowly more and more disappointment coming across his texts.

"We missed the last direct train. Call me when you get this message." An hour ago. I sighed, my tiredness washing off with the dread of the upcoming phone call. I called him, and after a few rings he picked up.

"So yeah…I really wanted to make the direct train. Didn't want to have to make a transfer and wait 30 minutes." I internally groaned, both sympathetic and unappreciative of his didactic tone. He was right…but this early in the morning?

Oh wait.

"I'm so sorry Naruto," I feigned more caring in my voice, knowing that if I wasn't apologetic he would get a lot snappier, "I just couldn't sleep last night, I had a nightmare and stayed up."

Well, being afraid of the noises outside and drowning the fear out by going on the computer until 5am wasn't exactly a "nightmare", but it was along the lines of that and infinitely less embarrassing.

A sigh. "Alright, come over here though. We can catch the train at my house if you get dropped off."

I gulped. "I'll ask my dad for a ride…no promises he will do it quickly but I hope so".

"Yeah, your dad is irresponsible." Naruto paused, "But if you can't come over I'll get you, I promise. I love you, Hinata."

"Love you too, thank you so much Naruto."

I hung up the phone, smiling a little bit. Naruto was hard to handle sometimes, but when happy he is the best boyfriend to have. He cares, he loves, he treats me nicely.

I got up, and took my pajamas off, throwing them in the hamper. They were clothes I didn't care about, and I wasn't planning on bringing them up to school anyways. I then entered my bathroom, which was connected to my bedroom. It was also connected to Hanabi's room, but she hardly slept there anyways and wouldn't be using the shower this time of day anyways.

I locked both sides of the bathroom and took my shower, trying to be as quick as possible. I then stepped out of the shower, ringing my hair as dry as I could get with my hands before putting it up in a towel. Unlocking my door, I nonchalantly stepped into my bedroom and grabbed my underwear, glancing at my figure in the mirror on top of my dresser.

I immediately locked onto my stomach, which wasn't as toned as I wanted, then my waist, which wasn't as narrow as I wanted. Then my thighs, which weren't nearly skinny enough.

I just wanted to be pretty, and I knew I was kind of pretty because I have a boyfriend, but not nearly as pretty as I wanted to be. I want to have tiny thighs and a flat stomach, a beautiful and skinny face, and an overall great figure. My breasts weren't as large as I hoped, and while my butt was pretty nice, the back of my legs were slightly fat so it wasn't that impressive.

I silently made a few poses in the mirror, noting in my mind what I didn't like, and then went into the dresser for underwear. After putting them on, I rummaged through the closet for a top. I couldn't find any good clothing, so I settled for a flannel with a tanktop, and thick leggings. It was cold outside this time of year but I had a long jacket and this outfit was so easy to put together it was worth it.

I slipped on some shoes, and went to find my mother

She wasn't in his room, wasn't in the kitchen, and didn't answer when I shouted her name. I called her cell phone, and it went straight to voicemail.

"Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Yanagi Hitomi."

I hung up, groaning. I thought it was stupid my mom went by her maiden name even though she wasn't even divorced from dad yet, and it was in order to avoid people from making the connection to the Hyuuga last name.

I sent Naruto a quick text about needing to get picked up, and then put the things I needed to bring back to school in order. I hated traveling on Sunday, but Naruto had insisted that we wait until Sunday.

'I need to stop letting this guy tell me what to do when I clearly have my own opinions,' I thought to myself as I read Naruto's reply, 'but I can't seem to get the guts to tell him anything he wouldn't like, and it's not his fault I'm a wimp'.

Naruto picked me up forty minutes later, and the moment I saw him my mood changed. He was so bitter about my mother not being home and made a few rude remarks over text, but he was so happy to see me and the happiness was addictive. The extra long train ride was even enjoyable, and we were both teeming with energy, ready for the upcoming semester.


End file.
